Communicating with Family and Friends

“It doesn't matter whether you're selling Jesus or Buddha or civil rights or 'How to Make Money in Real Estate With No Money Down.' That doesn't make you a human being; it makes you a marketing rep. If you want to talk to somebody honestly, as a human being, ask him about his kids. Find out what his dreams are - just to find out, for no other reason. Because as soon as you lay your hands on a conversation to steer it, it's not a conversation anymore; it's a pitch. And you're not a human being; you're a marketing rep” ~ The Big Kahuna (1999).

“Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still”
~ Dale Carnegie

“If you want to gather honey don’t kick over the beehive; a drop of honey catches more flies then a gallon and gall” ~ Abe Lincoln.

I should begin with a word of caution. Many former Mormons who speak out about why they reject Mormonism have lost their job, or if they ran a business lost LDS customers which affected their business. Many marriages and relationships have been challenged or ruined because of Mormonism. I think it is important that the person understand the risks of voicing their opinions about Mormonism. It might be wise to select carefully those who you can trust to confide in about your doubts. It is probably wise to prepare to make new friends, business contacts, and customers who are not LDS if you plan to openly declare you are no longer a Mormon.

The following is some advice on communicating with a Mormon about why you are no longer a True Believing Mormon. First, let me begin with how this blog came to be.

I began my journey out of Mormonism with a chip on my shoulder. Since I was expecting to be rejected by Mormons who knew I rejected their religion, I projected my fears and insecurities outward and became very angry and aggressive in my speech with some Mormons. I also tried to debate with every Mormon I could because deep down I wanted to be proved wrong, I didn't like knowing what I did and I wanted someone to show me where my logic was in error. The more LDS members didn't want to discuss it the more agitated I became thinking they didn't care about me. So in order to wake them up to my dilemma I would fire off facts and details about the man-made origins of Mormonism in hopes of eliciting a desire from them to correct me where I was wrong.

Sometimes I feared that since the LDS religion rejected me, labeling me an "apostate" and other derogatory names, then I would "weed out" those who weren’t going to accept me -- because I didn’t profess the correct articles of faith -- by very aggressively arguing why I reject Mormonism with them nearly every time I saw them. The problem was that I was engaging in a self-fulfilling prophecy for by sometimes being rude and insensitive, arguing and ridiculing rather than listening, sharing, and caring, I was generating the negative responses I feared.

If you are reading this it is probably because you are interested in getting along with someone who doesn’t share your views about Mormonism. Many former Mormons who have been “burned” by the LDS religion are often ready on the trigger to fire round after round of arguments and facts at their loved ones trying to convince them that Mormonism is man-made and harmful. I had to learn from experience that this is the wrong way to go about it. Instead, when it comes to family and friends (and acquaintances) your main goal should be to befriend them and gain their trust and respect because only then will they be willing to hear you out.

This blog post thus grew out of trial and error when communicating with LDS members. What followers is what I believe to be the best course of action when communicating with LDS members about why you reject Mormonism.

Before you begin any conversation with an LDS member, take some time to understand the psychology of a Mormon:

• First, take some time to understand the amygdala hijack that Mormons often experience when they're confronted with evidence and data that calls into question their worldview. In short, this means that whenever we are faced with life threatening decisions, like whether or not to run or somehow confront the grizzly bear in front of us, the natural instinct and brain mechanism of “fight or flight” kicks in and takes over our nervous system. When a Mormon is confronted with a grizzly bear of facts disproving their dogma they will usually respond with a natural fight or flight response. See the link above for more information.

• Understand the concept of "cathexis": this is the act of a person attaching one’s ego onto another person, place, or thing. For example, a father might become so attached to his son’s performance at a baseball game that when his son strikes out, he will become very angry. Mormons tend to form a cathexis around LDS dogma.

• Realize that your loved one is experiencing Groupthink , i.e. constant social reinforcement/peer pressure and so try not to take it personally when they seem to not act like themselves but as a product of the "Mormon Machine."

• Take a moment to consider their personality type. A lot has been written on this subject, which you can read up on via Google. But for now consider whether they are highly rational or more emotional, are they easy to anger or slow to anger. All of this can help you understand how and why they became so deeply involved in Mormonism and how best to communicate with them. Several books offer advice on how to deal with each personality type.

• Consider how much fear, guilt, and other emotions they are experiencing as a Mormon and be compassionate.

• Understand that a lot of the information you will share will cause severe cognitive dissonance and they will seek to avoid the anxiety this will cause through various methods of dissonance reduction.

• Realize that some very intelligent people are Mormon which is best explained by a concept called mental compartmentalizing: this is where a person will ignore a thought or idea if it challenges their beliefs, by putting it on the metaphorical shelf in their mind; or deal with it using the non-rational part of the brain and appeal to emotions. For example, a person may use their frontal lobe (the rational part of the brain) and be skeptical when buying a car to make sure it does not have problems. Yet this same person may see another car they instantly like and start to compartmentalize all the problems with the car by ignoring their frontal lobe response and instead focusing on its pretty color becoming influenced by their emotions. The person will then place all the problems with the car on a shelf, in a hidden compartment of their mind, while focusing on its pretty color.

The following is a three step process that I recommend when opening up to a Mormon about why you reject the LDS religion.

Step 1: Ask them if they are interested in understanding your point of view? Notice how I put an emphasis on the word understanding. Make sure they understand that you are not demanding that they listen and agree with you, or be willing to be persuaded by you; you are simply asking to be understood. Your attitude should be that of Morpheus, from the movie The Matrix, where he says, "I’m trying to free your mind…but I can only show you the door. You are the one who has to walk through it."

Step 2: Ask them if they would be willing to read your personal story and/or watch a short video that explains your point of view about Mormonism. This way, when you meet with them another time you will have a common base to build from. Instead of talking over each other and miss-communicating, which will most likely happen when first confronting a Mormon face to face about your non-Mormon position. If they read or view something they can't interrupt you and the conversation can't turn into a sparring match.

You can even mention to them that this what LDS missionaries do, that is they ask investigators to read a part of the Book of Mormon and then return to discuss what they read. So I suggest you write up your personal journey and ask if they'd be willing to read it while assuring them it is not "anti-Mormon" and they shouldn’t feel nervous about reading it.

I used to recommend asking the LDS member to listen/watch a certain video produced by John Dehlin. This video was completely pro-Mormon while also explaining why many people leave the LDS Church or go inactive, the link to that video is here. However, the video is flawed in that the ending is meant to help LDS members understand their former Mormon loved ones better so that they can better help them come back to the Mormon Church. I have since seen a better video called "Top 10 Mormon Problems Explained" by MormonHistoryBuff, linked here. Having family and friends watch this video and then having a discussion about it, is a great place to start.

Step 3: Encourage them to commit to five to seven discussions at their place or yours, just like the LDS missionaries do. Too many times, the former Mormon will pick an improper time and place to be having a discussion about Mormonism. Sometimes the person is not in the mood, or they are surrounded by friends or family members who might gang up on you like a mob. Timing is everything and by setting up a specific time and place to have a friendly discussion the mood is set ahead of time. Although you may feel a strong urge to de-convert them over night and convince them to see things exactly as you do. Realize that's unrealistic and instead of trying to change their mind all at once, just try to help them to want to understand your perspective incrementally topic by topic. Understand that their desire and ability to investigate your perspective is a process just as for you it was a process. Allow the smoke to clear from the shock of hearing you're no longer Mormon. Allow them time to digest it. To encourage the first discussion, point out that you are not interested in having one single argument that get's "heated" and having feelings hurt, and each party retreating to their secluded line drawn in the sand. Mention to them that you are interested in maintaining mutual respect and building a bridge of understanding between your two points of view.

What if they refuse to try and understand your perspective. What if they refuse to read or listen to your personal story and do not want to hear you out?


Well, be glad you got that out of the way. Be thankful you did not waste hours, days, months, or years trying to convince someone to understand you when they don't want to! Why confront them with your new perspective anyway? As long as they are not trying to convert your children behind your back without your consent and aren’t slandering you why bother confronting them at all?

Arguing will likely only make matters worse for you, for it will stir “contention” and the Mormon will likely interpret this as proof Mormonism is true. It is not your job to create within them a desire to investigate the true roots of Mormonism. It is up to them to develop their own curiosity and desire to know the facts beyond the white-washed sugar-coated propaganda the Mormon Church feeds its members. Don't try and just shove facts down their throat; allow the Mormon to go at their own pace and allow them room to form their own conclusions without you pressuring them.

I think it is best to just offer information and some sources for them to look things up for themselves. I suggest you leave it at that. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

When you're feeling frustrated try to accept where they’re at and realize we’re all at different stages in regards to Mormonism. Remember that if you're a former Mormon they are at a stage you used to be at. Maybe wherever they are at is the place they need to be at right now, either as a necessary stepping stone on their path or because that is where perhaps they were meant to be whole and content? Realizing we are all on a journey can help us have compassion and understanding for those with differing metaphysical opinions. Thus I think it should be the journey itself and not convictions that unite us.

Also, understand they're not you. Try to accept that they might not think and feel the same way you do. If you had their exact genes, upbringing, neurochemistry, personality, and experiences you’d probably think and believe and behave the same way they do (did) since you’d essentially be them and would have had their experiences. Think about that.

Allow them time to come around and perhaps in time they might seek to understand your point of view on their own; at the same time accept that they may never try to fully understand where you are coming from for personal reasons (e.g. phobias or feeling secure where they're at, etc.) that has nothing to do with you, and that time will also help you to accept that.

Seek professional help if needed: If leaving Mormonism or going inactive is causing friction in your marriage or relationship consider seeing a non-Mormon counselor that can be neutral.

For more advice, see the video below, The Strategic Interaction Approach by  Steven Alan Hassan:



Below is a summary of the lecture by Hassan:

• Do not make your goal getting them to leave the religion. Make them truly feel that your goal is to empower them to think for themselves and thrive as an individual.

• Treat them with respect and build rapport and trust.

• Use other fanatical-religions and cults as examples. Do not directly attack their religious beliefs. Instead, critique a religious idea they have indirectly by bringing up another religion and hopefully they will see the connection that their religion does the same thing.

• Gather information about other cults and share that information.

• Have them watch these videos: The Milgram Experiment, Asch conformity experiment, and The Zimbardo prison study. [I also recommend Daniel J. Simons basketball video. Tell the Mormon “When viewing the video, try to count the total number of times that the people wearing white pass the basketball. Do not count the passes made by the people wearing black.” After they are done ask how many passes they counted? Then have them watch the video again without counting and see if they spot the person in the guerilla outfit. Point out that this is how so many Mormons are unable to see what is often before their eyes].

• Plant seeds of curiosity by asking questions and pausing for them to think about the question, e.g. “so did you ever find out why your friend left the church?” Then pause for a response.

• Ask what would it take to convince them the religion was false? Then use that information to reveal the truth to them.